Erugrul, BED and Ramadan

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I was 13 when tiny alarm went off in my mother’s head that something was not right. I looked so much older than my age and with snippy comments being passed around the get togethers my mother took me to see a doctor.

This led me to eat uncontrollably at night. After many sessions with a dietitian they all realised that I was binge eating. My mother soon took drastic steps and so many foods were banned which led to a very hostile atmosphere around our house.

 

“Teach what you know to him who does not know, and learn from him who knows what you do not know. If you would do this you would learn what you have not known and would retain what you have already known.” Imam Al-Ghazali

Dear Readers,

 

Please find below one of our last posts on Ramadan. We’ve received so much content this year that it became impossible to publish all. We are saving some of the content for next Ramadan Inshallah.

 

Nuzhat Jahan Thank you so much for editing the post below. We want to thank Everyone this Ramadan for their incredible incredible support. Words fail us when it comes to thanking you all.

 

 

 

 

Erugrul, BED and Ramadan

 

 

 

I was seven years old when I developed passionate love for food. Living in Egypt and with professional parents, there was no one around to stop me. We had a staff but they never interfered in any of our business. No one knew I had a binging problem. All I knew was that I loved to eat all the time.

 

I was 13 when tiny alarm went off in my mother’s head that something was not right. I looked so much older than my age and with snippy comments being passed around the get togethers my mother took me to see a doctor.

 

This led me to eat uncontrollably at night. After many sessions with a dietitian they all realised that I was binge eating. My mother soon took drastic steps and so many foods were banned which led to a very hostile atmosphere around our house.

 

Let’s not forget the comments which came my way. I went abroad to study and that’s when things changed in Egypt. I was already struggling in a foregin country but with things turning bad and bad each day the hopes of going back looked slim and slim.

And it was then that I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I was constantly thirsty and this was despite the minus temperatures. The dark short days contributed heavily to my mood and I felt sad and depressed. The more I studied my subjects the more depressed I became. There was an underlying animosity and funny attitude towards Muslims. The way I dressed no one could guess I was a Muslim, my French name made me look someone from a mixed background, but not a Muslim one.

 

  • I guess when you become a subject of jokes, it tends to affect you.  With a huge weight gain and uncontrollable sessions of binges came a gift of diabetes. All of a sudden my life changed over night, now I didn’t just have poor self esteem, but binge eating disorder and obesity. Also a headache of lifelong insulin use and blood sugar monitoring. I was told to go on a specific diet and exercise to help keep my levels within a target range.

You must think that all this must have petrified me into taking care of my self, actually it made me go and attack sugar as if I had never seen a sugar and pizza in my entire life. Eerytime in a seminar a political discussion came up and as soon as word Muslim was mentioned, I would go cold.

It would be followed with uncontrollable sessions of binge eating. I hated watching news as it came with a lot of depression. The portrayal of muslim women in media was also depressing.

Much to my parent’s dismay, I dropped my major and decided to take time out. I went back to a different Egypt and a very quiet home. The only company I had was my grandfather who had refused to leave and go abroad. And it was during that time that Ramadan came. There was a government change but now I was living in a different bubble. My head, eyes, feet, everything hurt.

 

Please don’t think that we are a family that observes Ramadan, for us Ramadan means hosting futoor and attending every other society futoor you can name.

We are not a family that fasts. In fact Ramadan is foreign in our household. I never ever saw anyone fast except my mother who tried once as a way to detox but then she couldn’t function without coffee and by mid day she would be on her 3rd cup of coffee.

 

And it was during that time when I was in Egypt with my grandfather that he had a change of heart and now all of a sudden he wanted to change. He was going through a change, the most liberal party boy with ingrained French lifestyle wanted to change. And it was that Ramadan of 2017 when he decided to fast. I was already seeing a French therapist and a dietitian, when I decided to do the same. So we fasted together, the first day was spent in bed binge watching TV. We both were watching a Turkish TV serial that was transforming Turkey and many other countries.

 

We made it through the month with mixed feelings, ups and downs. I had a few episodes of binging with great lessons. I binged one late night on pizza and a carton of ice cream and it left me dehydrated and sick the following day. One of the highlights of the Ramadan was when we both would wait for the fast to open, that joy of completing the day of fast cannot be explained in words, a sense of fulfilment and joy. In total we fasted 18 days and my grand dad 22.

We both came out of that Ramadan with many great things. We both were more mellow and then there were physical benefits. I experienced less burning in my feet. And our diabetes was in range. I think I forgot to mention that he too is diabetic.

We learned great deal about managing our diabetes in Ramadan. We mainly stayed indoors and tried not to drive each other or our staff too crazy.

We both approached the following Ramadan with mixed feelings of trepidation and confusion. My mother decided to join us that Ramadan, she (according to her) always wanted to fast but lacked the support. I was also in the process of completing my major and was doing much better on health front. My BMI was now settling into healthy normal range and many people could tell the difference.

I lost my grandfather weeks before the Ramadan of 2019. This Ramadan I am joined by grandmother, mother, father, and a sister. We’ve done ok I believe. Our eating is quite modest taking into account everyone’s health issues and we all try to be careful. Atleast air is more clean I feel, none of them can smoke and atleast out of three, two are trying to give up smoking and light drinking.

This is the purpose of Ramadan, to get a good balance back in your life. Take care of your mental, physical and spiritual health. People misuse Ramadan as a month to lose weight. I never saw Ramadan as such, for me the month was always filled with too many obstacles. Even though you can do a million things indoors but the feeling of missing out on something great was always there.

One gift I gave myself in 2016 was a gift of recovery. I can no longer binge on a whole carton of icecream or go through multiple packs of Oreos with milk in one sitting. Perhaps my diabtetes is a blessing in disguise, because otherwise I would have gone on and on with my destructive ways. There are times when I wish it didn’t exist but then there are times I see how productive and different my life has become. I still have a therapist and I practice meditation and still see a dietitian once every six weeks. I hope you too can see the light through Ramadan, after all it’s a month of brilliant light. If I can do this then so can anyone. It is a month to get rid of your ED mind, be healthy and do what we need to do by our mind, body and soul.

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Islam and Eating Disorders founded in 2012 – run by Maha Khan, the blog creates awareness of Eating Disorders in the Muslim world, offers information and support for sufferers and their loved ones.

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