How to deal with harmful comments

 

 

“A bad wound heals, but a bad word doesn’t.” 

– Persian proverb.

“The Muslim who mixes with the people and bears patiently their hurtful words, is better than one who does not mix with people and does not show patience under their abuse.”

(Mishkat, Book: Ethics, ch. ‘Gentleness, modesty and good behaviour’)

 

Dear Readers,

 

Words have the immense power to hurt. Harmful comments jeopardize journey to recovery and healing. I get so many emails where people speak of harmful comments and how those words said in jest have the power to hurt and jeopardize their recovery. In Islam we are cautioned against saying harmful things and uttering words that may cause hurt/harm.

Allah says,

“O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.”

 

(Quran, Al-Ahzab 33:70).

The greatest speaker of truth was the Messenger of Allah (sws). And how did he speak? The Quran praises the Prophet’s attitude because he was gentle, smiling and soft with his Sahabah, and with strangers. His sweetness was a gift from Allah:

“So by mercy from Allah, [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech]and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].”

(Quran, Aal-Imran, 3:159).

Kind words, gentle but true. Softness of speech. That is the language of Islam. Leave no wounds, with your hands or your words. Be an agent of hope, and rely upon Allah in all things, and He will love you for it.

 

Please find below a wonderful post by Ali Kerr from Bulimia Help on How to deal with harmful comments. I hope you’ll find her tips as useful as I did in my journey to recovery and healing.

 

 

 

A big concern for many people I’m coaching is “how to deal with negative comments from others?”

The comment could be anything…  “oh, you’re eating bread today”, or “Wow, that’s a big portion”. The person passing the comment may have not meant any harm, but you’re left feeling scared with your mind in overdrive.

During my recovery this happened a lot. My mum (bless her, she’s lovely), could not help herself from passing a comment when food is involved.

A prime example:  “I should not have eaten that cake, it will go straight to my thighs”.

Now… hearing this I would instantly PANIC and think the exact same, this would be so triggering for me, I would want to purge right there and then.

My mother’s comments hurt badly and with each and every one I would always hold a little more resentment. I felt anger towards my mum and would allow this to bubble up deep inside. I would then feel I had to purge this as it felt overbearing. My mum then became a TRIGGER for me.

I knew I had to work extra hard on this area of my recovery.

So what could I do? Well, communication was not an option in my case, my mum just did not understand my bulimia. I had to do something else.

 

Here is what I done…

The first step was forgiveness

 

I  knew that I would have to FORGIVE my mum each time she made a comment. It was not her fault, she did not mean to hurt me. She simply had no understanding of how her comments were affecting me.  I had to truely understand that, forgive her and let go of any anger I felt towards her.

 

The second step was to EXPECT the food comments to come up.

 

I would be mentally prepared and literally wait for them to appear.

And this leads to the third step:

 

When they comments did appear, I would WELCOME them.

I would warmly accept them. “Ahh, there you are”, “I was wondering when you would appear!”.

Ofcourse I still felt upset by the comment, but I knew fighting the feelings didn’t help and welcoming them put me into a stronger position of power. I could now choose how I wished to react to them.

And this leads to the last step:

I then choose to ACCEPT the feelings that would take over me. I would observe them and allow them to pass over me and soon fade. I told myself I didn’t need to binge and I didn’t need to purge. I could handle this and get through it.  Guess what? It did not last long. Being upset would usually only last 10 minutes!

Soon I was having a little chuckle to myself when I heard her comments, it then was a case of in one ear and out the other. And even though now she knows all about my history with bulimia, it still happens to this day, there’s no changing some people 🙂  (love you Mum!).

This was a very important area for me to work on during my recovery and it felt amazing when I succeeded with this. If you wish give it a try, challenge yourself!

Best of luck guys,

In health and recovery,

– Ali   

 

Recovery Coach, Nutritional therapist, Author & founder of Bulimiahelp.org

P.S Applications for recovery coaching for September have now opened up. If you would like to work with me on your recovery from binge eating disorder or bulimia nervosa please submit your application here.