For many years, I thought I was the only ‘twisted’ person on this planet who had these sorts of thoughts. I knew of bulimia and that people were affected by it but somehow I didn’t put myself into this category as at the time (15 years ago) the literature I found on that subject gave me the impression that eating disorders are a result of a disease of the brain (except for anorexia- I considered that was a sacrifice models make to keep their jobs), that it affected people who had serious mental issues or had some genetic complication. I knew I was perfectly healthy and there was nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with my brain.
Dear Readers,
Dear Readers,
Please find below a very brave story in the honour of #NEDAwareness Week 2021, by founder of Beelikeabee company Monika Holc. We’ve shared Monika ‘story behind finding a unique company before, you can read the story by clicking here.
We thank Monika for her great Participation throughout the NEDAwareness week.
To View our #NEDAwareness week Highlights Click Here
I’m 23, sitting on the bathroom floor with my head leaning against the toilet -exhausted, terrified and disappointed with myself after another binge. I’m desperately trying to asses whether I “returned” all the food I gulped chaotically earlier or whether I still needed to continue sticking a finger into my throat to “forget I even ate”.
I just had 2 large pizzas, a loaf of bread and 5 chocolate bars and today making myself sick was more.difficult than usual. Over the years I learned that pizza and soft bread tend to be more “convenient” to return than other foods so most binges would include those. Chocolate wasn’t great to have but I would still have a few bars each time as normally I‘d NEVER allow milk chocolate in my diet.
“OK I give up, I’m too tired”. I felt sick, bloated and very upset with myself as I failed today .I knew that soon I would have to do a lot of exercise to make up for all that food that’s still left in my stomach and will then “turn into fat”. I truly hated myself. I couldn’t understand why I would humiliate myself by creating this bizarre habit that made my life a nightmare now. Why would any sane person do such a harmful and disgusting thing to themselves?
For many years, I thought I was the only ‘twisted’ person on this planet who had these sorts of thoughts. I knew of bulimia and that people were affected by it but somehow I didn’t put myself into this category as at the time (15 years ago) the literature I found on that subject gave me the impression that eating disorders are a result of a disease of the brain (except for anorexia- I considered that was a sacrifice models make to keep their jobs), that it affected people who had serious mental issues or had some genetic complication. I knew I was perfectly healthy and there was nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with my brain.
It took me 8 years to understand that indeed my brain wasn’t ‘faulty’ and that there are MANY more “normal” people out there with similar thoughts and struggles. Over time, I realised that my strange habit was a coping mechanism I developed (and mastered!) to deal with uncomfortable emotions and struggles. No wonder the coping mechanism was related to food restriction as it was my ‘weakness’ since I was 14.
I became a keen member of the dieting community back in middle school. Like many teenagers, I didn’t like my changing (or rather developing!) body and seeing other friends diet, I convinced myself to start too. Plus the “diet talk” at home- with grandma never eating past 6pm and mom always watching her portion sizes and criticizing people who would indulge on cake or eat too much ‘greasy’ food- it was no surprise to see dieting quickly become my lifestyle and obsession.
My first diet was the 1200kcal one and of course the “positive” effects encouraged me to continue trying other ‘trendy’ ones such as the apple diet, cherry diet, low carb, the smoothie diet…
Outside of the dieting I would eliminate anything that I considered ‘high’ in calories- even bananas were on that list! My ‘allowed’ treats were the 70kcal muesli fitness bars and if I was a bit ‘naughty’ on the day I’d have a cup of plain vanilla ice cream. This urge to control my food and my body backfired often-whenever I felt down, tired or I was in a social gathering I would ‘rebel’ against my strict rules and eat all the ‘forbidden’ foods I could at one go. And then, feeling very guilty, I’d continue with my diet the next day.
The irony of it is everyone around me thought I was ‘the healthiest’ person on the planet and would be admired for it. “You’re so good with food, always eating healthy” – they’d say. That would make me validate what I was doing and support my actually very UNHEALTHY approach to food.
When life became more serious and often stressful (moving to another country to study, loneliness, struggles with finding a job, etc)- food became an incredibly exciting distraction from my problems. All these years of restricting made the ‘letting go’ feel really pleasant and would give temporary relief. It was VERY temporary as the binge was followed by a mountain of guilt and frustration with all the calories consumed. I had to get rid of them NO MATTER WHAT. I would rather ‘drop dead’ than accept gaining any weight. Making myself sick was the perfect solution- I could continue with my binging sessions and then get away with it.
At some point it became impossible to manage and I was desperate to look for help- which thankfully I did. However, it was difficult to find the right support and that in itself took time.There are many people out there who claim they could help me but often their support ended up being even more damaging. It’s very important to find professional support from someone who has the credentials but also make you 100% comfortable and feel understood. Every eating disorder experience is different and what works for one person may not work for another.
In my case, the most life-changing experience in the journey to healing has been discovering Intuitive Eating– as it teaches self- compassion, self respect and it helps you come back to your ‘natural state’ by place eating and food where they belong. I needed to learn to deal with my emotions separately and that is a very useful skill to have in life.
Most importantly, intuitive eating made me realise that my disorder is a mindset and habit that can be molded. For good. It wouldn’t happen over night, might take some years. But it will. Because we are able to change our thinking and habits- even the strongest and deepest ones. It’s very sad that many institutions and experts in the field still say that eating disorders are a disease for life. I listened to these voices for many years and believed it would be my miserable reality for life!
During my journey to healing and rediscovering nutrition, I finally understood the real purpose and power of food (sounds very obvious but it isn’t for many people with ED!) is to give our bodies- these incredible machines that work for us so hard each day- energy, to repair and build new cells, prevent and fight infections and to heal. We are blessed with so many delicious and nutritious foods found in nature which are there to serve this purpose.
This realization encouraged me to search for foods that would not only be nourishing and wholesome but that also provide healing. Eating disorders often disconnect people from any experience of enjoying a particular taste or honoring any craving they may have- and so finding foods that would taste lovely and make me feel good in my body and incorporating these in my diet was an important positive step in my recovery.
My research lead me to finding about ‘Sunnah foods’ – food that Muslims value especially in Islam because the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) would consume and recommend them to his people as they benefit their health. I was especially amazed to learn about honey and bee products and was surprised to see how they support human health in so many ways: from immune system support, through brain, heart and digestive system support to treating hormonal imbalances and depression- the list is so long! I decided I wanted to find a product that would have as many of these benefits as possible and be an indulging delicious experience. That’s how I found the wellness pralines (which combine royal jelly, propolis, honey, bee pollen, apilarnil and dark chocolate) and gave them a brand name- Bee Like a Bee. It’s mission is to offer unique, nourishing & natural products that taste amazing and promote a lifestyle that focuses on self-care and kindness towards ourselves and our bodies. It’s something I need to remind myself every day too.
One thing that I find people with ED tend to have (I did for sure!) was a lack of self compassion and though they tend to be very kind towards others -they forget to apply this to themselves. It took me a long time to realise that the eating disorder was not about weight stigma or food- but rather a symptom of something much deeper. Uncovering this was where the ‘magic happened’. It’s very challenging, but you learn so much about yourself and gain tools that help you deal with all difficulties in life. And that is so rewarding!
If there were two things I could tell myself 10 years ago that would have made my recovery much faster I’d say:
- You are not the only one with this experience and you are NOT crazy!
- Your eating disorder can be treated. Keep seeking help and listen to your intuition- only you know what works for you. There will be people that won’t have the right answers and might confuse you but there will be others who will. Just keep going- one day at a time.
Monika is a marketing manager who has spent years working in the corporate sector and at the Thomson Reuters Foundation. After recovering from Bulimia Nervosa which lasted almost a decade, she launched Bee Like a Bee—a health & wellbeing brand whose mission is to offer natural, therapeutic and delicious foods and promote wellbeing through a balanced and nature-inspired lifestyle. You can also follow her brand on instagram @beelikeabeeuk.
