Challenges Faced in Ramadan By a Sufferer – لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

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This Ramadan has not been going well, as I haven’t been able to fast, and I feel such a big shame, and that it is due to purging. Like can you imagine, I am not fasting because of induced purging after Fajr prayers? Honestly speaking, what a shame of me. I am not mentioning this for anyone to pity what I go through, no, I am mentioning this out of pain, shame, regret and anger of myself to myself, and to let others know that having an eating disorder is not about losing weight, or a simple form of dieting. An eating disorder plays with the way you think, you act, you behave, you deal with life, it actually just holds you and pushes you in a tank filled with hot water asking you to find your way out. So even if you try, you actually won’t be able to unless someone helps you out, and even if someone helped you out, you’d have to deal with all the bruises and pain, or else you will be in the hot water, and burning will eventually eat your skin.

 

Trigger Warning: The content may be triggering for some readers.

 

Dear Readers,

 

In our Ramadan series, we bring to you an account of a sufferer struggling with her illness and the month of Ramadan. Please read this with open and we share this in order to bring you the real raw accounts of ED suffering.

Challenges Faced in Ramadan By a Sufferer Challenges Faced in

Ramadan By a Sufferer – لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

 

As Ramadan is almost coming to an end, I will discuss some of the Challenges I am currently facing, not really sure if I have felt Ramadan this year (2019) or not:

Short description about me:

I am 22 years old, and I have bulimia, and depression for the past five years. I love to read, write, study, doodle just like any other human being.

What you know is different from what is real. And what you see is not what is happening!

Ramadan and Bulimia:

This Ramadan has not been going well, as I haven’t been able to fast, and I feel such a big shame, and that it is due to purging. Like can you imagine, I am not fasting because of induced purging after Fajr prayers? Honestly speaking, what a shame of me. I am not mentioning this for anyone to pity what I go through, no, I am mentioning this out of pain, shame, regret and anger of myself to myself, and to let others know that having an eating disorder is not about losing weight, or a simple form of dieting. An eating disorder plays with the way you think, you act, you behave, you deal with life, it actually just holds you and pushes you in a tank filled with hot water asking you to find your way out. So even if you try, you actually won’t be able to unless someone helps you out, and even if someone helped you out, you’d have to deal with all the bruises and pain, or else you will be in the hot water, and burning will eventually eat your skin.

Eating Behaviors:

  • Normal days:

I usually binge eat once a day (sometimes two) depending on the urges and how my day is going on. I eat mostly late nights as none of my family members are awake, and I can purge.  Purging usually drains me and takes all the energy left and throws me to bed actually every day yet I keep doing it EVERY time I eat anything even if it was not binging. After I purge, my entire body starts to go numb, so I have to directly go to bed after bed. Sometimes it’s hard to even hold my phone because my body aches, and I can’t seem to focus on anything. My heart starts beating, I can’t keep a track of my breathing, so I have to always take deep breathes, or else I feel like I will pass away, and my stomach starts hurting so much that I cannot move. Since the past almost 3 months, I don’t really remember the day that passed by without me having at least one “meal” without actually binging. Eating actually at first starts to fill me, as I feel sort of empty, and gives me energy after not eating for almost 22 hrs, and then it’s hard me to stop eating, as I feel the need to have more, the cravings, I just want to have anything that my stomach can take, I become so bloated and I can’t walk, and if you hold my stomach and apply pressure, food will start to exit. That’s how much I eat. When I eat, I become so cold, even more than usual, and I feel so much mental and physical pain. And it is a real sort of pain, I feel it in almost every part of my body. Yet I just cannot stop, I continue, I continue and continue. There is so much but I will keep it short for this post.

  • In Ramadan:

Usually every Ramadan, I eat with my family, we all eat together iftar and Suhoor, but this Ramadan, my Eating disorder got the best out of me. Thinking about it, blending it in like having to eat two big meals and purging it is draining and very painful, and the fact of having to actually eat with my family twice will mess with my anger and mood, even more, resulting in bad behaviors and attitude from my side, I prefer eating alone. Also, purging twice will crack and close my Jaw, purging once a day itself causes so much Jaw pain and cracking. So, I am sort of trying to avoid purging more than once a day, but sometimes it just gets out of hand.

Regarding my binges daily on Ramadan are extreme, I just can’t stop eating and I eat a very huge amount of food in a very short amount of time, I tend to consume really a lot that I cannot walk, or stand straight, I bend when I walk and my chest hurts really bad , I freeze after every binge, I become so cold that my hands usually go completely numb and my head feels so heavy and painful that I actually unintentionally scream loudly.

 

What I actually planned for this Ramadan is as follows:

  • Iftar: Yogurt and dates + soup
  • In between iftar and suhoor: one sweet + fruit + coffee and loads of water
  • Suhoor: Yogurt + salad + one piece of something I love

In conclusion, please do seek help and talk to your doctors as eating disorders are really dangerous and life-threatening, believe in yourself. And help yourself. Help will not come to you unless you ask for it.

 

“ALLAH DOES NOT BURDEN A SOUL BEYOND THAT IT CAN BEAR” (2:286)

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا

Hope is there, despite all the hardships, and pain that you are feeling and going through. Remember that Allah is with you. Believe in what you are, and remember that in order to recover, first, we have to believe in ourselves and then only we can speak and lift ourselves up

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About Author

Islam and Eating Disorders founded in 2012 – run by Maha Khan, the blog creates awareness of Eating Disorders in the Muslim world, offers information and support for sufferers and their loved ones.

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