How an eating disorder is slowly taking away everything from my life?

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An eating disorder will take each part of you,

it will turn you to a person you never know,

it will fill your head with nonsense, with crap

A total mess, dreading, yet satisfying,

And give you that sort of comfort,

Where you will believe no one but it,

It will take the control away from you,

And deceive you to being in control

It will hurt you, and take everything away from you

It will take everything from you, including YOU

It will turn you to an evil person

You will not be YOU, you will hurt yourself,

And hurt everyone around you

Dear Readers,

 

Please find below one sufferer’s raw account of her struggle with her Eating Disorder. A raw inside look into a young person’s struggle to stay alive or perhaps just survive.

Trigger Warning: The content in this article will be triggering for some readers, ple beaware as it discusses weight and behaviours. We publish this unedited because this is the raw reality of eating disorder. Our aim is to create the awareness and get the real life stories out there.

How an eating disorder is slowly taking away everything from my life?

 

story

I am not exactly sure from where to start or where to exactly end. It was very dull, I cannot recall or reach the point to when this all started, or how did it actually reach this point.

On the daily basis, what I do is constantly binge and purge, and never accept food to remain in my system; and I cannot know why or understand why I am doing what I am doing.

It not only affects your relationship with food, but also it affects your relationship with everyone including the relationship with yourself. To be exact, it takes a whole of you, it leaves nothing for you but takes everything away from you, you even tend to lose the connection with yourself, and by this, I mean like you don’t really know what’s real and what’s not real.

 

What do you think. When this all started?

When this all started, I used to weigh 109kg, and I currently weigh 49.7kg, surprisingly I lost more weight than I currently weigh, and I still cannot see that. I remember though I once was happy, I cannot exactly understand what happiness is, but I remember once I was actually alive and living. This wasn’t a part of my concern, I used to hang out, snack on anything at around anytime, go for a cinema, eat ice-cream, have KitKat, wow actually I used to breathe. I used to even sleep, study, swim, exercise, I had energy, I was even had the power to walk, to dance, to play basketball, badminton, and how I really loved swimming; I even once tried scuba diving in Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt I remember how I actually enjoyed the feeling of not being heavy under water, it was an amazing feeling. I always wanted to become a swimmer. I never believed what others pushed me to do you know, stop eating all that food, your fat, like seriously stop eating, you’ll die from this food, they didn’t really know that one day I’d actually starve for 70hrs plus.

Bullying?

I was a chubby, funny, and bullied because I actually carried extra fats on my skin. I was called a hulk, a hulk, and yes, I have an idea, I am repeating the word. Not that I am surprised by that, no but like how can people be that mean. How can people call others with such nasty names, I was a kid like seriously? From there, I stopped engaging in sports (basketball, badminton, swimming) because I couldn’t handle being called all that, and laughing around. I still used to hang out those days, and go everywhere, restaurants, travel, and just do everything what a “normal” person would do. My family back then tried literally everything with me in order to stop me from eating junk food or too much food. They took me for several nutritionists (not like I cared or bothered myself, I was just a kid, it was fun you know, to have someone tell you what to eat and what not), I really enjoyed the fact of having a routine and meals prepared only for me and not for anyone else, back then I weighed around 92kg as far as I recall, going to a nutritionist I lost around 15kg and that too by exercising in the same health center (they offer some gym classes with trainers). I enjoyed it actually, still this was all never a concern. When people used to call me names, I used to literally laugh, like I did know something was wrong but never really cared enough. I was taken to see the counselor in school, as I used to always stay alone but no one really focused on that, you know what school focused on, my grades, yes actually my grades I had very low grades and I barely gave any sort of attention to my studies but anyways, I was several times counseled for that. I can’t exactly remember what used to happen but I used to pass in all my exams, except Arabic. I was given several warnings that if I don’t keep up with my behavior I will be kicked out of school (when really my behavior was me just being alone, and that led to laughing/talking in classes) you know they cared so much on that, but never actually asked me why do I not study? Or why am I always alone. Anyways at that time, in school I used to eat in breaktimes and I used to snack around in between classes, and then always be made fun of because of that, so I came to a point where I am like enough so I stopped eating breakfast. Due to my low grades, I had to take extra classes after school so school was from 7:00am – 1:30pm and then I go back home around 3:00pm, extremely exhausted so I would eat lunch and nap for around 30 min, then go to extra classes, and go back home around 8:00pm and watch movies or TV with my family and mostly order or cook junk food. With time, my body stopped being able to handle food, as I skipped breakfast, I used to eat so much for lunch, that I couldn’t naturally keep it in. So unintentionally I used to throw up. And that issue got better with time. Anyways then grade 11th final exams started. So that is where we had to literally focus so much and get good grades in order to move to grade 12th, so more extra classes. So, when I reached home from school at around 3:00pm, I used to directly shower and get dressed and move to extra classes, which was from 4-9, yes that’s pretty intense after school and less food, my body was trying to accept the new routine. So, I stopped having lunch too, and then when I used to go back home I was extremely exhausted so I would like just have a snack and sleep, and that’s how this all started. In grade 12th, I had a very rough tough dealing with myself and my thoughts were very bad, I used to constantly think about how to end my life so I started self-harming to cope with everything. I constantly used to beat myself up for everything. I never really focused much on food back then, never like intentionally starved myself or felt bad for eating. I just eat here and there anything I find, that doesn’t really require much time. I got better a bit in school, used to top in several subjects and so. Later then it was finals month, so basically all your performance in class in grade 12 doesn’t matter, except this final month, it was an extreme pressure for me though I did better all in grade12, but in this month, I sort of just gave up and my grades started getting down and down and down. So, I didn’t really do well in school. Happily, I still managed to get an Honors achievement in the English language. Here actually I was told many positive words by others, “oh you’re losing weight”, I still also remember mom saying “you would look beautiful if you lost weight”.

Waiting for school results?

After exams ended, we had to almost wait for several months for our results to come out, that’s when I started eating so much food non-stop. I gained so much weight, and I never really liked the way I feel, there was something wrong but I don’t know what was it. Later on, one day, I would spend all my night awake, and the usual timings where my family would be awake, I used to sleep, that way I skipped all food and used to happily just enjoy skipping food, I used to stay in bed all day. Like all day, I had no energy to do anything at all. Those days I remember, in terms of self-harm, I was at my worst. When my grades turned out to be bad, I lost all the opportunities to study medicine or psychology so I decided to have 1 year and a half off, I stopped hanging out for almost 4 months I was home, and during that time, my family never treated me right or more like the way I want to. During that time, I tried to kill myself 2 times, one was during my birthday because I felt like the day I was born is the day I should die, and just leave. I took half a packet of Panadol but nothing really happened to me, I was extremely dizzy though and stayed in bed mostly, almost a week after, I decided to stop eating for three days so I did, I had absolutely 0 calories and it felt good, just sips of water. I couldn’t move from bed. Then I binged for sure, and purged. I never knew I had issues with food except after I once fainted. That day I was dizzy and I had no energy, so I forced myself off bed, and had a shower, and during the shower, I felt not right, like I couldn’t breathe so I had to close the water and while I was about to leave the washroom I fainted, I had a towel on me, it was a shame, weirdly, I kept fainting and waking up, and during that I thought I would die because like I saw blood around me and it was very hard to open the door, but I did, I actually managed to open the door and like directly went to moms room, and mom was asleep, I screamed her name, and don’t remember anything after, I know I fell, and after I woke up, my family gave me food and juice and that was when my family knew that my head was cut from several times falling and hitting something, I didn’t really feel any sort of pain. So, I was rushed to the hospital, and had to have surgery for stitches, I had around 6 stitches, and that was it. So, after my family made sure I constantly eat, so really that was so much food for me to handle, so I started fasting on the daily basis 22hrs then eat (not binge) and purge, and repeat. Somedays I would fast for longer 40-70hrs. Later, with time, I started binging and exercising too, it was very tiring, too much for me to handle, I even started taking laxatives, it was all in a blink of an eye. No wonder how all this got to this point. I still constantly starve, binge, purge, and exercise. I don’t take laxatives much, you know why? Because I had several times like literally did it on myself, can you imagine? Like what a shame. My point is things that change at any sudden, without knowing, understanding or anything. It just happened, it always made me feel like I am in control, like I am actually in control of what I eat, and what I do, but I am not. I am probably lying to myself, and the issue is that I know it, I know it, but there are too many voices in my head to really care. Binging is a coping mechanism, it has nothing to do hunger, it is completely filled with emotions, and at the same time it acts as a form of self-harm. You tend to do it more and more, and it helps pass the time, it fades everything away for a while, it hurts. It hurts, and it kills and you accept it because you have nothing to hold on to. There is nothing left to fight for, it’s all gone. Whatever consequences, you find an excuse. If it’s blood while purging, swollen and cracking jaws, infections, russel scars, bruises, thyroid, stomach pains, or any sort of pain, you will always have an excuse you will always find a way.

 

What it does to you?

An eating disorder will take each part of you,

it will turn you to a person you never know,

it will fill your head with nonsense, with crap

A total mess, dreading, yet satisfying,

And give you that sort of comfort,

Where you will believe no one but it,

It will take the control away from you,

And deceive you to being in control

It will hurt you, and take everything away from you

It will take everything from you, including YOU

It will turn you to an evil person

You will not be YOU, you will hurt yourself,

And hurt everyone around you

It will turn you to something you never want to be, you never want to feel

And slowly, with a blink of an eye

You will be completely gone, dead

You were dead inside, and it will kill you

 

So honestly, it is up to you to choose whether you want to try, or you want to die, because really you cannot survive for so long with an Eating disorder.

Someone, once told me, “An eating disorder never comes alone, it always has to come with something”, and truly that’s completely right, an eating disorder always comes with something, and that too, it brings so many things with it, no one can even imagine.

 

You think you have an eating disorder, and you are in control, but really an eating disorder has you, and it has your control, it tricks you to being in control.

 

No one will help you. So, if you don’t help yourself. Then “not even yourself” will help you.

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About Author

Islam and Eating Disorders founded in 2012 – run by Maha Khan, the blog creates awareness of Eating Disorders in the Muslim world, offers information and support for sufferers and their loved ones.

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