Do you ever feel in it your bones and body and heart and mind and soul when you KNOW something BIG is about to happen?
I feel as if I’m on this accelerated path in life, and sometimes I don’t understand how other people don’t have exactly what they want.
If you want something, why don’t you go after it?
One of the things I’m really very proud of myself for is my ability to take MASSIVE ACTION towards my dreams.
I’ve been practicing this skill for many years ago, and I forget how hard and difficult it was at the beginning.
I remember many years ago when I would actually let my life and the “way things were” get in the way of my dreams.
I would let other people define my reality.
I bought into the social conditions that things just had to be a certain way.
After all, that’s “just the way it is.”
Until one day many years ago, I began to wake up.
I had my first official “awakening” when I was 18 years old. I was in college and I remember exactly where I was when I “woke up.”
I was really confused at that time about reality and why I hated myself and my life so much. I couldn’t figure out why I was so ‘messed up.’
I began diving in to different religious texts and self help books like it was water. Drinking that shit up and absorbing it in, even though it directly contradicted everything that I was living, being and doing.
I had no idea what was to come.
When I started meditating for the first time shortly after, it scared the SHIT out of me! I was seeing things that just didn’t make any logical sense.
To put it very simply, I was primed from a young age and shortly thereafter
I had a quite intense manic-depressive-anorexic-bulimic-drug-addicted breakdown coupled with an identity crisis of massive proportion.
It needed to happen.
It couldn’t NOT happen.
It was exactly what I needed at the time, and there was something SO liberating and terrifying and scary about it at the same time.
It was like I KNEW something big was coming, but I had no idea WHAT it was or HOW to get it.
I just kept going.
Fast forward to dropping out of college, treatment center after treatment center, and feeling crazy as hell.
I wanted to die at many points— I didn’t see the point of life.
What is it that fuels some of us to go on at this point? I personally just kept believing and thinking that something greater was out there, that someday I would finally find the ANSWER and I would CRACK THE CODE on why my life was so fucked up, why I was entrenched in the middle of what felt like a chaotic shit-show.
I couldn’t take care of myself. I couldn’t function or get out of bed for many many months. Years went by and I was still trying, still kicking, still “working” on myself every chance I got.
And you know what? It all WAS for something greater…
I got to a point where something shifted for me. By the grace of God I got pregnant with my daughter. Drug addicted, anorexic and bulimic I conceived a child and I PROMISED GOD that I would not do that shit anymore if He promised me a healthy, happy child. I swore that I would change my life in a huge way.
And I did. I stopped using drugs. I stopped binging and purging. I started to gain the weight back. I still felt crazy and out of control on the inside, but I had something else to focus on at the moment. I was having a daughter, and soon! I was 3 months pregnant when I found out.
For months I went in and out of a half-way house and then moved into a state-assisted housing program for pregnant women. My daughter was born healthy, happy and thriving. I was thrilled and suddenly my life had a greater meaning.
However my life was far from being worked out or easy. My boyfriend at the time and I were both unemployed, broke and homeless. He got thrown in jail a week before the baby was born. We had nothing and I had nothing except HOPE. Hope for a future and a good life. Hope that things could FINALLY get better.
It was a rough couple of years after that. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and go back to school. We struggled financially as my daughter’s dad was an addict and had trouble holding a job.
And also the worst thing possible happened… the eating disorder came back.
It came back slowly at first, and then before I knew it, it was full force.
Gaining the weight and having a baby was wreaking havoc and the eating disorder voice was super loud, negative critical and I was binging and purging daily again and losing weight.
I stayed in denial for a few years but it was like I couldn’t move forward in my life if I didn’t take care of the eating disorder. It was like a parasite, stealing my energy, my attention, and I knew I couldn’t accomplish anything I wanted to in my life unless I broke free.
I tried to do it myself and failed miserably. I underestimated the power that the eating disorder had over me, as I was trying to stop and I couldn’t. I felt powerless, out of control and my life had become totally unmanageable yet AGAIN.
But I was committed to changing my life in a huge way!! I knew I was destined for more. I wasn’t going to give up on myself, my life and being the mother I knew I wanted to be for my daughter.
What happened next is too long to include here— that is a story for another day!!— but let’s just say that I STEPPED UP my game.
I got to a place in my life where I had HAD ENOUGH. I was SO SICK AND TIRED of the BULLSHIT that I was putting myself through!!!
I got angry— really angry!! And not at myself, but just at everything— my circumstances, my eating disorder, the fact that I STILL HAD IT, that it wasn’t easy, that I would have to do the work and struggle through it. I was so pissed but what was different about this time was that I turned that anger outwards and channeled it in a way that could FUEL my efforts.
I DOVE IN headfirst. I am an extreme person, I admit, and eating disorder recovery was no different. I wanted to have it ALL— I wanted to stop destroying my body, my health and my energy, but I still wanted to have a hot body— my #1 fear was that I would get fat and blow up like a balloon.
I wanted to be FREE!! Not just from the behaviors but the thoughts as well. This is probably the number 1 question I get from women now is, “Do the ED thoughts ever go away?” They do, and if anyone tells you otherwise, and says you can’t have exactly what you want, I would run far, far away.
The truth is that you can have it ANY WAY YOU WANT IT. Do you want to have it ALL?
I wanted to love the SHIT out of myself. No there. I wanted to feel SO GOOD about myself that it also WOULDN’T MATTER what size or shape my body was, even though I did want to take care of it and have it look nice.
I just really wanted to eat what I wanted when I wanted it and maintain my weight and do the exercise that made me feel good and I wanted that to be it.
I set my intentions and I started to work towards my goals. And you know what? Not long after, I got there.
I got everything that I asked for.
Not because I’m magical or special or anything like that. It was because I did the fucking work to get there.
I went ALL IN.
I BELIEVED in myself.
I KNEW I could do it.
I didn’t take NO for an answer when they told me it couldn’t be done. If I would have listened to what “they” said, I would be dead. I would be trapped in faulty ED treatment the rest of my life where they would hammer into my head that “eating disorders are a disease” and that “you will always have to cope with and manage your symptoms.”
Times are changing and healthcare is changing as well. There are so many holistic practitioners, energy workers, light workers, and professionals out there that are changing the WORLD and helping people fully recover from what we once thought were incurable diseases. Our society is changing and it is now a dinosaur belief to think that you can’t recover from an eating disorder if you want to.
And that’s the thing— you have to WANT to. You have to go all in. You have to put all your fucking energy and attention and focus into what you DO want— no matter what. Tell yourself it’s not a fucking option. It’s DONE.
Act from that place.
I know you FEEL IT WITHIN… that something BIG is coming…
Back then I KNEW that if I could recover from my eating disorder, that I could do ANYTHING…
And I’ve proved that time and time again…
Once I broke FREE, I began to manifest and create the most amazing life for myself…
One where I am able to do what I love every single day. Travel the world. Have amazing relationships with some really fucking powerful and inspiring people. Spend more time with my kids. Make more money and impact than I’ve ever dreamed of. I live by the beach and live my dream life every single day, and it just keeps getting better and better.
I couldn’t have even fathomed this life back then, but I allowed myself to dream.
I saw myself living this life and knew that I was destined for it.
I did what I had to do to get there.
Sometimes it wasn’t easy. Actually most of it was really hard.
But not in the grueling, unimportant, dull and boring way.
Everything that I’ve done and worked for and created has all been born out of a place of alignment, purpose, passion and flow. I’ve worked my ass off over these last 7 years to share this message with the world— that YOU CAN RECOVER. That FULL RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE.
How could you NOT believe in your ability to break free, knowing what you know now?
It is an INEVITABLE part of evolution. Your soul’s maturation process naturally goes through these phases. I just happened to go through my dark night of the soul at a young age, just as I was meant to.
I could have stopped it. Shut it down, like many women do.
Many of us will think that it is a bad thing!! That “OMG I AM SO MESSED UP, what is wrong with me?!” and then they label themselves and shame themselves and keep the eating disorder locked up in a little container, compartmentalized from the world where no one knows about it but you.
It’s a trusted “friend”, confidant, lover and ABUSER.
Isn’t it time you woke up to the reality of what it really is?
What it really is, is a DISTRACTION to you living your life on PURPOSE.
You are MEANT FOR MORE.
You don’t deserve to suffer and struggle and be stuck in the place that you are anymore.
You can CHOOSE to overcome.
You can CHOOSE LIFE.
You can CHOOSE to break FREE and create a life you LOVE
Anyone can do it, but not many will choose this path, as it is treacherous and it requires you to develop massive amounts of perseverance, courage and bravery.
It is not for the faint of heart.
It is for those who know deep down inside that you are a warrior beautiful soul who is destined to go on the journey of a lifetime…
One filled with riches and abundance beyond belief.. anything your heart desires and your mind and soul can dream up, you can create….
First you must BELIEVE… you must TAP IN and release all that is holding you back… and then you must take MASSIVE ALIGNED ACTION towards it.
There is no other way.
Many of you are already well along the journey.
Many of you are just beginning.
Either way, know that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
I believe that those who are the chosen ones are those that are attracted to me and are reading this message here today. This message is for you, this is your wake-up call — to let you know that today is the day to not let your life pass you by!
There are SO MANY things beyond the eating disorder. I know it’s scary to let it go. I know you don’t know who you are going to be without it. I know you are afraid of getting fat and not having a crutch to fall back on. I know you are afraid of being rejected and afraid of failing and of not being good enough to do it.
I get it.
I’ve been there.
None of it is true.
Trust, my child and have faith that more and more good and abundance and joy and love is on the other side of fear.
That you will be pleasantly delighted and surprised as to what awaits you on the other side…
The journey is to let all that shit come up and bring it to the light to be released and transformed.
The *key* is to acknowledge that shit and NOT LET IT STOP YOU.
That is the only reason I am here today sharing this message with you.
My journey has not been free of fears, self doubts and anxieties… it just means that I have acted despite having them.
I welcome in and invite my fears, my self imposed self doubts and anxieties to come up. And when I do look them in the face, they aren’t as scary as I thought they were.
I really love myself.
I love myself so much and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I know that I can do anything that I put my mind, heart and soul to, anything that I believe and know that I am worthy and deserving of receiving.
Facing these fears and continuing on in the dark for so many years, some weeks and months not even seeing the light, with full faith that what is coming has to be SO much greater than what I was going through…
I have NOT had it easy.
And I know what you’re going through right now, beautiful soul, is HARD.
You’ve been through some traumatic shit in your life, I know. There’s the emotional traumas, the high expectations and perfectionism, possibly even the sexual, physical or toxic relationship abuse, coupled with severe depression, anxiety, overwhelm and feeling out of control… I know what you’re going through, I have been through it all and can totally relate.
But I know that you are much stronger than all of that. That I KNOW you can move forward and overcome. What I shared today is honestly just a tiny sliver of what happened through my life, and I know we all have our own struggles that we go through.
Now is the time for you to make a choice.
To make a decision of what you WILL and WON’T ALLOW in your life.
It is time now to stand UP for yourself and your life and DEMAND more from your life.
You DESERVE IT.
You are worth going through all the pain and stuck-ness to get there.
If you know that you are meant for more, OWN that.
Take action on that.
I believe in you.
Something HUGE is coming!!!
Sending soooo much love and healing energy your way beautiful soul!!
In light + love