I’m never going to feel ready for this

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 healing for Ed

I’m never going to feel ready for this

“One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on “going it alone.” Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both.”
― Brené Brown

 

Dear Readers,
So many suffers feel they’ll never be able to defeat the demon of ED.  Many  experience a painful internal deterioration that is less outwardly recognizable, but excruciating nonetheless.

No one is ever completely certain when it’s time for treatment. The prospect of seeking help can feel quite scary and overwhelming, particularly to those with limited supports.  The reality is not many people run to recovery with arms wide open, singing show tunes and grinning from ear to ear.  But, there are some questions you can ask yourself to see if you are ready to take on the challenge of recovery and work toward a rewarding life of health and well-being. A comprehensive treatment program will directly address those fears as you navigate the early stages of treatment. I came across a brilliant article by Lauren on recovery. I found it very helpful.  Please do make most of it.

 

healing for Ed

 

 

 

Lauren Ready
I’ve been contemplating recently making some huge changes in my life coming up, and now that I have made a decision comes the time to [gulp]… take massive action towards it!!
I find myself feeling a bit scared, excited, thrilled and petrified all at the same time, or oscillating through this range of emotions.
I could NOT do it because of the fear.
OR I could feel the fear and do it anyways.
One way that I’ve learned to get around the fear is to think about what would happen if I DIDN’T do it?
Well then, that changes it.  I think about the consequences and repercussions of NOT taking that leap of faith, and the truth is that actually scares me more!
But even in that space, I recognize that my brain wants to FEEL READY before it takes action.
If I would ‘buy into’ the mind’s need to predict, control and want to have everything ‘figured out’ before getting started– well, I would never be where I am right now.
Because the truth is that you’re never going to be 100% ready and that means every moment is the right time.  If you want it, you just have to do it.
What are you waiting for, beautiful soul?
Are you waiting for the time to be exactly right for you to take action on your dreams, on recovery?
What is it that you really want in your life?
I remember for so long in my life I was literally just waiting for things to happen to me.
Waiting for the day when I would just wake up one day and everything would be easy.
I would just effortlessly manifest my desires, just like that!
I would wake up and be fucking grateful and ecstatically happy every single day!
I would look in the mirror and LOVE what I saw!  I would finally have the body of my dreams— or the body that “they” sold me— in magazines, on TV, that’s blasted all over Instagram and Facebook and social media, and that it would just magically happen.
THEN I would know I was finally good enough!  And perfect enough!
I would then be in the relationship with the man of my dreams who of course would have just found me (because then I was finally GOOD ENOUGH) and swept me off my feet, and he would of course be rich and famous and we would have this amazing dream life and live in my dream home!
We would have the perfect family, living the perfect life, in the perfect place in the perfect way.
Oh!  I can’t forget that I would also be living my dream career, with my dream clients, doing whatever the fuck I wanted to do and living blissfully ever after.
Then I would have finally “arrived” and everything would be PERFECT.
What.  Was I thinking?!
I was a bit delusional back then when I thought I would just wake up and everything would be handed to me.
In fact, I felt a bit ENTITLED to this stuff!

I mean, isn’t that the American Dream?
In fact, even in just imagining that this is the way it was “supposed” to be— made me extremely depressed.
The fact that I ’needed more’ to be good enough, that I had to look a certain way, that I needed to have more and do more to be good enough, to prove myself, to be worthy of it.
I don’t want to have to DO MORE or HAVE MORE or FIT IN to society’s standard to finally become good enough.
Truth is, I thought there was something wrong with me for those things not coming easy to me.
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t hold a job for more than 6-8 months at a time.  I had “good” corporate “acceptable-you-are-successful-now” kind of jobs and didn’t understand why I didn’t feel successful and good enough.
I couldn’t understand why I didn’t ‘fit’ into society— why did I feel like an outcast?  Why did I feel different than everyone else?  Why did I feel like I was alone and like I didn’t fit in?
I accepted that there was “one way” to do things, and that I needed to fit into that mold.
What I found was that this is utterly untrue, and by following this mold it proved to be very detrimental to my health and well-being.
I was waiting for something to just happen to me, I was waiting for my dreams to come true.
I thought that “when” those things just “happened”, THEN I would be HAPPY.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST LIE EVER!!!

Truth is, I was just COMFORTABLE.
I was doing just enough to GET BY.
I wasn’t challenging myself.
I wasn’t engaging in things that were exciting or even remotely pleasant to me.
I was just WAITING.
Waiting for my life to happen.
And in that waiting and wishing and hoping, I felt a large sense of distraction.
I felt this huge void inside of me.
I didn’t know what it was, and I was terrified of it.
I used whatever I could to fill the void.
As I was waiting for my life to just HAPPEN TO ME, I distracted myself with everything I could that would give me some sense of HAPPINESS at the time, even if it was false and fleeting…
Binging and purging my brains out…
Numbing myself out with an overabundance of food and the subsequent restriction and starvation became a powerful distraction.
Getting the high I desperately needed through food, weight loss, exercise, drugs, and toxic relationships…
It was not the way I was WANTING to live, but it was the way it was for a long time.
I just expected things to be different one day.
If I could just find the ANSWER!!!  I spend many many years searching and seeking the answer to what would fill the void for me.
What I found was that NOTHING could fill the void when I wasn’t actually living into my dreams.
What I found was that NOTHING would just happen to me if I just sat around WAITING for things to change.
What I found was that I was largely dissatisfied with my life, and that living the “standard” life, doing the “normal” thing, also wasn’t going to work for me!
I was different and unique, and what I realized was that I needed to follow my own path!
Even if that path wasn’t “acceptable” or “perfect” to others.
I faced a lot of resistance along the way, as we are likely to do when we challenge the status quo.
But you know what?
One day I just stopped waiting for life to just happen to me.
I realized that if I wanted to change my life, that it was up to ME.
That there wasn’t going to be a “right” time and that I would never feel quite READY.
That the change came from within.
Changes ALWAYS start from within.
If I really wanted a life that I was HAPPY with, one that fulfilled me from within and that I didn’t need to keep searching for things to fill the void, then I really needed to start NOW!
I didn’t feel ready.
Truth be told, I STILL don’t feel ready.
Most days I would rather just stop and be comfortable again.  Do what’s easy, ya know?
It WOULD be easier — but I would not be happier.
In fact, what I would call “easy” is really more like “indifferent.”
It’s sitting back and letting life pass you by.  Being comfortable with what is, when inside you have a KNOWING that there is more to life and you’re not quite living up to your potential.
Now let’s not confuse this with inner peace.  There is a difference between someone who is in acceptance and has an inner peace inside than someone who is comfortable, staying in their comfort zone and not taking risks in life.
The latter tend to have more anxiety, overwhelm and fear, where the former usually have the inner peace and acceptance as a result of going after their dreams, challenging themselves and being in alignment with their values and purpose.
Which would you prefer?
I realized that I would rather take a chance, take a risk and take a leap of faith.
I couldn’t live with the amount of fear and anxiety that I had inside of me ANY LONGER.  It was KILLING me, literally and figuratively.
I realized that I HAD to follow my gut, my inner intuitive knowings that there had to be another way to live life.
I was playing a victim and I didn’t realize how much I was blaming others for me not having what I ultimately wanted.
I would say it was a decision that I made all at once, that also happened slowly over time as I began to peel back all the layers of who I used to be, who I thought I needed to be in order to be accepted, liked and approved of.
I still remember the day when I decided I would change.  That I wanted something different for my life.
I decided that I would no longer seek approval from others, I would no longer attempt to find ways to fill the void, but rather to follow my heart and discover what truly made life worth living.  
I wanted to discover the richness within and fall in love with myself and my life.
I made that decision in an instant, and it has transformed my life again and again.
That doesn’t mean that things are always easy.  This is the road less traveled yes, but it isn’t without it’s challenges.
In the beginning it was learning to live without the crutch of the eating disorder.
I had to learn how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
To sit with myself and learn how to feel my feelings, to learn how to show up for myself and support myself every step of the journey.
I wanted to become my own best friend rather than seek outside myself for love to fill me up.  I wanted to be whole and complete in myself.
This was uncomfortable!!  And scary as hell!!  And I have to say, I definitely did NOT feel ready to do this at the time.
But I  made a decision to change, and DAMMIT I would do whatever it took!!  I had lived enough of my life in FEAR, in INDECISION and INDIFFERENCE.
I was WAITING for things to happen to me, when in fact there was NOTHING that was going to happen unless it was a result of me TAKING ACTION on it.
It’s not rocket science.  There’s also nothing glamorous about it either.  It’s a very simple formula and most people want to complicate it and make it into this big deal.
You either want it, or you don’t.
There is no other way.
You either take action, wake up and live your life on PURPOSE, or you don’t.
You sit around waiting for shit to happen.
It’s going to be hard.
Even for me, some days are so difficult that I don’t want to take action and
I want to crawl in my bed and hide under the covers for the day.
Admittedly, sometimes I actually do!  When that happens, I give myself grace and be gentle and easy on myself for it.  I am NOT perfect, and the art and science of TAKING ACTION on your dreams is also not perfect.
I am not a robot, and I don’t wake up every morning just automated and doing everything that is in alignment with my goals every hour of every day (not yet at least 😉 !!!)
I still face my human shit.
I still have to deal with my emotions that come up around it.
I still face hardcore resistance sometimes to doing those things that are difficult and downright scary to do.
Even when I know it is what is in alignment for me, even when it is something I want to do.  I still have emotions and thoughts that come up and get in the way.
When they do, I deal with them in a way that is healthy, loving and productive, and move along my way.
However this is more of the exception that the norm.  The only way that I got here is by staying COMMITTED to the journey and taking action EVEN WHEN I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT.
Sometimes the most effective way to let go of the resistance is to just get into ACTION!
And that is my call to you today— what are you putting off?  What are you waiting to happen that likely never will if you don’t get into action on it?
You don’t need to have everything figured out.  You don’t even have to know HOW.
All you have to do is know where you’re going and what you want, and take action on what that is, today!
If you want to stop binging and purging, restricting, overexercising, or any dysfunctional negative addictive pattern, STOP putting it off until tomorrow.  I know from personal experience that tomorrow never comes!
Do what you need to do TODAY to take care of yourself.  
RIGHT NOW.
Whether that is to reach out for support, talk to your treatment team or therapist, or make a commitment to yourself and a support person that NOW is the time.  There is no better time then RIGHT NOW to do it!!
All we have is RIGHT NOW.
There is no tomorrow.
Your life happens NOW.
NOTHING is going to change without you doing it.
You are NEVER going to feel ready.
But if you want things to be different, if you want to stop waiting, and you want to pursue your own path in life, NOW is the time!!
I know your mind is tricking you and telling you all the reasons why you just can’t start today.  But the truth is, you CAN.
You can choose to do it differently at any time.
Know that the resistance and the eating disorder voice and all the negative emotions WILL come up.
And when they do, it is up to you to keep your eye on the outcome of what you want— to break FREE and create a life you LOVE.
The only way to get there is to start NOW.
What are you waiting for, beautiful soul?
The time is NOW.
THIS is the way towards FREEDOM!!
Sending SOOOO much love and healing energy your way, beautiful soul!!
In light + love,
 
Lauren Love
lauren love
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Islam and Eating Disorders founded in 2012 – run by Maha Khan, the blog creates awareness of Eating Disorders in the Muslim world, offers information and support for sufferers and their loved ones.

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